Priority epiphany
by chinochan-inulover
Summary: Kikyo dies, Inuyasha is devastated. But when he learns about Kagome's two devastating news- he is ruined.Only then he realizes just where is priorities lie, and with who. AU.


_**AN: **_I'm warning right away- I know shit about the medicine themes referred in this fanfics. While I'll probably do research, especially for the next and last part, I do not promise accuracy. Sorry about that.

Furthermore, enjoy, it's an angry baby. Two shot.

_**Priority epiphany. **_

**Part I**

She'd been in a frantic frenzy the whole week.

Kikyo had died, and since said death Inuyasha hadn't stopped home but in the day after he disappeared and it was to give her some sorry excuses, fetch some things to watlz back to the apartment he and that woman had once shared. She knew he hadn't been to work because Sesshomaru had called home demanding to speak with his brother. When she answered in a meek voice that he hadn't been home for days there was only silence and an eerie "I see". When Inuyasha was on that second day to fetch clothes or some other things she tried to speak to him but he never listened. He had turned around and walked away.

How could she _tell _him then?

Kagome had tried to soothe him and comfort him in the first night when Miroku had shown up with the news. He looked another person, breaking everything in his path to lock himself in their bedroom, ignoring her for the rest of the evening, even if she could hear him cry and talk to himself like a crazy man, she could hear him break everything inside. And in the morning when she'd woken up, he was already gone.

Momma and Sango tried to tell her that aalthough he was a suffering, he still had to know. But they didn't understand… Kikyou had been his first love, and a deceitful one at that, because where he at 17 loved her like crazy, she used him to get the money for her coke. And he, like the sweet boy he had been always gave her everything she needed, even if he knew she was hurting herself, and him in the process. When she was craving one day and he met her, she'd told him, just how much what they had was fake…But along the years she kept coming back, and Inuyasha kept going to her. Thank god he didn't indulge in drugs, but he helped her, he always did when she asked- because in his mind, it was better if she did it with him than in the street.

It didn't matter if he and Kagome were married now. To him, nothing could ever be more important than Kikyo… He'd told her it wasn't truth, that she would never be hurt if it was up to him, that he'd always protect her, but she knew better. Because now it was up to him, it was all in his hands and… Deep down Inuyasha was still a shadow of the little boy Kikyo had destroyed, he just didn't want for her to get hurt. To him it didn't matter that she had news too for him, Kikyo was more important and Kagome had learnt to live with it. Because she had chosen him. Because how he loved Kikyo, that was how she loved him. Desperately, crazily, _forever._

She'd had offered comfort and love in the past, and it had made Inuyasha a better person, she knew it, everyone knew it, he knew it. But as soon as Kikyo appeared he'd go back, in a blink of eyes. Kagome didn't disappear; disappearing was not what the one she loved needed. No. Inuyasha needed support when he got home from being with the one who repeatedly broke his heart. And if by support he had to do the same for her over and over and over again, she'd let him.

Kagome's only worry was about was who would they care of Inuyasha when she couldn't?

She'd tried to go to that apartment in the middle of the week, he was completely messed. Eyes with dark rings underneath and cheeks sunken, his usually lustrous dark hair knotted and disheveled, his eyes were red from crying. In his hand there were clothes of her. And still she'd tried to enter, to offer comfort, like she always did. He'd refused it, refuse her. He'd stated that she didn't know that she didn't understand… How could she not when she suffered the exact same pain and love with him, except they were _man and wife_. All their friends knew, her family and his knew. And they pitied her. But she didn't care because she'd always offer him comfort, and a haven where he could do what he wanted, say what he wanted and he could survive, a haven where he was cherished and loved like he deserved to be.

But it was starting to take a toll out of her, and in the beginning of the week, the same day Miroku had shown up to tell Inuyasha what he knew because of his privileged place as a doctor that had seen the dead body of Inuyasha's first love go into the morgue, was the day she'd discovered in the afternoon, her fate and her destiny. And still, her worries lied with Inuyasha. Who'd know how to take care of him? He needed her, but she couldn't be there for him anymore.

Sango and momma had since that day insisted that she had to tell him. And they still did. But they were the ones that didn't understand. Locked in that apartment, Inuyasha wasn't even trying to pick the pieces of himself, scattered in the ground along with the shattered memories of Kikyo. He didn't even know who he was without her. And he was in pain, in great pain. How could she tell him something like that? Especially after he'd rejected her vehemently, after he'd raised his hand with such hatred and anger in his eyes that she knew that if the hand descended she'd knock into the wall and never wake up again, because she said she understood. He never did slapped her, but she had been really afraid at the time.

Sweet Kagome had never demanded him much, but when she demanded him to at least come home, when she had told him that she wanted only to comfort him and love him that was when he had expelled her from the house. Telling her how much he hated her and their marriage, accusing them of being the cause of his staying away from Kikyo. He'd told her vehemently so, that he should have never married her, that if he hadn't left Kikyo, she'd still be alive.

The last two days, since that had happened, Kagome hadn't gone there, nor had she called. The week was ending and so were them.

A relationship that had taken seven years to built. Ever since he'd met Kikyo, she was his best friend. Then when the woman had cruelly left him in the mud, to pick the pieces of himself, she had been there too to help him. Then their relationship had somehow morphed in the years that were to come. And two years ago they had married.

It was only after that day that he had thrown her out of the house that Sango and Momma had materialized in her front step to make her company. She had been the one seeking comfort and love now, but she hadn't found the kind she needed, and her heart still ached. In one of Sango's trips to the bathroom, she had found a pregnancy test.

The stress of the week seem to dull and Kagome turned heavy glazed eyes at them. She had tried to get pregnant, thinking that twenty-five was already late; he'd had a dismissive attitude about it, saying if she wanted then they'd have kids. He always did things to please her. But Kagome was sure he'd be a great father, as she was sure she could be a great mother. And like that she'd gone off the pill trying to give one more thing to Inuyasha that would soothe him, comfort him and love him. A gift from God.

Or not.

Seeing she now looked at the test, with a positive sign, with an unfathomable want to fading away with the wind.

Wasn't it enough? Now she couldn't have a baby, a baby now was a horror! What would everything happen when… No, No! No!

Kagome had no father to give that baby.

How could she trust Inuyasha to keep that baby safe? He wasn't safe himself!

She didn't doubt it would be happy with Momma, but really? Growing up without parents? She had done it without a father and there was still things that were hard, except momma was willing to stretch everywhere to be Kagome's and Souta's father too. But now, Momma wasn't young anymore, Souta was grown up, grandfather was grumpy and old…

This child would be _alone_.

She promptly fainted.

* * *

It was the night after that day that everything was going to change.

The living room where Kagome had been for the last week was poisoned with darkness, stagnant cold lingered in the space. there was an open window in the back of the house and through it a man entered.

He didn't want to make noise. He was here to see that everything was ok. Kagome hadn't called him in four days now, hadn't tried to invade his personal anguish for the same amount of time. Irritated that he actually thought if strange, that he somehow missed those things, he'd decided he wanted to come and see with his eyes that everything was ok with her.

He'd come in the high night to be sure she was asleep, when he didn't have to face what he'd done. What he'd done to her, the life he'd willingly left behind with her, the _shame._

He could have called any of his friends to make sure she was ok, but besides wanting to see with his own eyes, he was sure they all hated him by now; they despised him for having ruined their treasure. Kagome had been _his_ treasure too. Now he wasn't so sure.

The week had been nightmare. Part of him had gone crazed after finding out that Kikyou had died. In his brain he could have stopped it if he had been there, if he hadn't married with Kagome if he wasn't with her, then he could have fulfilled his promise to Kikyo, and wouldn't have let her drop dead with a bunch of junkies near her, that didn't even notice she had died, a needle still in her arm. Maybe if he hadn't indulged in what he wanted with Kagome, then he could have been there for Kikyou, like he had always promised.

How could he explain to himself, that over the years, his first love had lost importance to him? That the woman that had been the soles in his shoes and his pillar was taking Kikyou's place and filling him, and making him happy?

How could he be happy, if Kikyou was still like that? He'd promised himself that he'd cure her, and he didn't do it, because not only did Kikyou didn't allow it, but also Kagome had taken a place more important in his life.

Then Kagome had come over, and he'd almost struck her, regreting immediately. All he'd wanted until then was to grief without having her near to take away the pain into herself. She always did it, and he knew what he looked in the eyes of everyone else. He was the monster, the motherfucker who _spoiled her. _And Gods marrying her hadn't made him better, but he hoped, he'd hoped she'd understand that it meant she wasn't only that to him. But she'd continue to do it, absorbing his demons into her, loving him, caring for him… Rotting inside, falling apart herself. He knew and he hadn't been able to stop because yes, he still loved Kikyo, she'd forever remain in his memory and heart, but Kagome…

When Kagome had walked away from him that day after he said he hated her, that it was all her fault and without calling or coming back, he'd started to be paranoid, and he had thought…

_What would I do if it was Kagome, not Kikyo in that morgue, in that afternoon._

Still divided he'd realized three things.

One, he'd be overwhelmed with guilt for suffering more for Kagome than for Kikyou.

Two he'd be buried with guilt for killing her, because gods knew he was her cocaine. He would be far more than overwhelmed for never ever telling her how much he loved her, how much she meant for him

Three, he would have by now blown his brains, in the sidewalk or with a gun, it didn't matter- there was no life beyond Kagome.

But that night he didn't know how to fix it and the shame of what he had been, the monster he'd become and that Kagome had always seen through, was impossible to fix in so little time… so he'd decided to come when he knew she was alone because of her lone dark blue beetle in front of the house, and she was already asleep, because it was 4AM and she couldn't sleep well after 7AM…

She was in bed indeed. In their room, their bed, alone, tear marks blemishing her once perfect face, was as his Before his epiphany- That had given him vigor and color- his face was pale and sunk and ringed, like hers now. Her hair fell in nests and he knew, somehow knew she'd been pulling it. Her lips were chewed in some places. Blood had flown out of her mouth in a dry line. Her skin was so abnormally white that he could see the outline of her veins, the startling blue possible to see under the snow of her skin, due to the lamp she always kept on at night. Kagome hated the dark. How many times he'd plowed her into there? Her image now made him want to throw up, guilt toring at his skin and muscles, and bones and organs.

He was so stupid_, so, so stupid._

How could he have done this to her?

He went to cover her legs and waist, then tucking the sheet and comforter around her shoulder. But in the hand of her bent arm there was a paper- it looked like a letter, that she clutched tight.

But it seemed crumpled and smoothed many times over, and he grew curious.

Carefully peeling each and every one of her fingers, his indigo eyes remaining in her face, to make sure she didn't wake up. When she didn't and her hand was open he retrieved the clutched letter, he feelt something between its folds.

Pulling his long, long hair aside he leaned down to kiss her. It must have been the first time he did it, give her a soft, lasting, sweet goodnight kiss, ironically it was the only one to which she did not reacted. Clutching the letter and the object inside like she had done in bed, Inuyasha slid to the floor, his back to the bed, and thanks to the dimmed light Kagome always kept on, he was able to read.

Then things started to frighten him. The letter was from the hospital, and was directed to her. Which was weird, seeing all the bills on the house were on his name. Meaning almost all of the letters they received were for him, then it hit home

_Hospital? What the hell-_

Fumbling with the folds of the letter to open it, and even ignoring the soft thump on his lap when the letter was finally open, he read.

His hands shook and his teeth gritted and sobs threatened their way through the mouth that he covered with a hand that grew wet with his tears. At the end of said letter the urge to vomit was almost impossible to contain, but he did it.

Until he saw what was on his lap.

Then, he bolted for the toilet, the words pounding on his head as he retched the few things he had eaten over that week and the bitter bilis, accusing him, telling him how much of this was his fault.

_The department of oncology…_

_Regrets to inform_...

_Mrs. Taisho presents levels…_

_Brain nodules…_

**Cancer.**

**Plus…**

_If it is a plus sign, congratulations! You're pregnant! – she'd read once, such a long time ago, explaining him the use of the pregnancy test._

Somehow, he knew it was over and that it was his fault.

The sobs finally came out, the will to die too, the desperation, the regret- and he thought it was painful to lose Kikyo? this was far worse

The thought of being Kagome's funeral he would be paying for, that he'd have to bury not one, but two preciousness, wasted and lost on him, finally made him feel the monster, everyone thought him to be. Lying in the tiled floor, he wondered if tomorrow would come. Why would it? Kagome was ill, their child was condemned… why would the sun rise again? Why wouldn't the world's colors fade to dull greys and terrifying blacks? Would there be sounds again? Everything seemed muffled.

If tomorrow did come, he could only beg her forgiveness. And even if she offered it, could he possibly ultimately forgive himself?

With one last long glance to the razors in the open cabinet, he fell into darkness himself, the letter clutched in his hand, with the test, as he rocked his tears and sobs, nurturing them, feeding them in his head, with every living image that rummaged through his head.

When Kagome signed the marriage certificate, she'd signed her death sentence.


End file.
